Feel the Fear…and do it anyway

Posted in Change Management, Guest Blogger | Comments Off

My friend, Elly Haddad, wrote this post earlier this week. It provides an excellent perspective about accepting and moving through the changes in our lives. Since my blog frequently touches on change management, I thought you might find Elly’s insights encouraging.  Please welcome Elly as my first “guest blogger. “  Elly makes her living these days as a holistic health counselor and operates Elemental Fit. If you’d like to learn more about Elly and healthy eating approaches, visit her website at www.elementalfit.com.

By Elly Haddad (republished with permission)

One of the many pieces of valuable information I gleaned from my schooling was the mantra, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. All of my life I have been The Cautious One. Ride a rollercoaster? Only once, since my fear of heights/falling/premature dying/being crushed and/or mangled, kept me as close to the ground as possible whenever I actually dared to venture into an amusement park (and who REALLY inspects that stuff, anyway???). As a young child, I did not want to learn to drive since the apparent unpredictability of operating a vehicle seemed to leave too much up to “chance” (I got over this fear when I realized that it was not so much a matter of “chance”, but more a matter of not driving in the same manner as a particular close relative with whom I rode frequently . While my cautious (if not sometimes misguided) manner has, at times, served me well (like the time in high school I passed up a hit of acid because it was not hermetically sealed – had been passed from one germy, sweaty hand to another, linty pocket, after linty pocket – if not worse), it has also kept me limited and immobilized in certain areas, and though I began “getting over it” prior, hearing it repeated over and over in different variations this year, I AM over it now.

I began to see a glimmer of hope of being set free when I finally decided that “I AM a flyer”. I was nearly 40 years old and had passed up several opportunities to travel with David to some neat places simply because I could not bring myself to get on an airplane. Physics aside, something THAT heavy could not safely be up in the air…especially if it was carrying MY valuable body. An airplane breaking down carried much steeper consequences than a malfunction of a car engine. It wasn’t until I’d suffered through two excruciating solo 600 mile trips to Nashville and back to visit family that I started to fear breaking down/falling asleep at the wheel/getting attacked at a rest area more than being on an airplane, and I realized that my fear of flying was keeping me locked in a very small, paranoid world. With sweaty hands, I booked a flight and went on a trip. “I AM a flier…I AM a flier…I AM a flier…” I kept telling myself as I went alone to the ticket counter to check in for my flight, snaked my way through a busy security line, and onto the tram headed for my gate. Nervously, I kept tabs on the closest way out, until I became aware of the fact that airports look for nervous-looking travelers because they might be planning on doing something “bad”, so I tried to stay calm and play the part of a bored, seasoned flyer.

I succeeded in getting to my destination and back home, and realized that by confronting this fear of mine, a whole world had opened up to me. Had it not been for that confrontation, I would never have been able to complete my schooling (requiring 10 trips to New York over a six month period) or enjoy countless trips to spend time with those I love. My fear was containing me. Facing my fear made me freer, fuller.

In high school, I never did like going into the cafeteria or bathroom or even down the hall alone (I think some of this is a “girl thing”). This discomfort carried over into adulthood, manifested itself by keeping me from enjoying classes or other new experiences if it meant going alone. What I was actually afraid of happening is unclear, it just felt scary to be in situations alone, therefore, I avoided them. I’ve come to realize that I am over that. I’ve gone to several new classes at my gym all alone, and I actually survived (was I graceful in that cardio-kickboxing class? That’s another story…). I am finding I actually LOVE getting myself into these new situations, because each time I “feel the fear and do it anyway”, a part of me grows freer and fuller than I’d been if I was still content to let my fears control me.

I think it is human nature for us to be cautious and avoid those things that make us least comfortable. There are a select few who actually thrive on the adrenalin-rush of facing fears and surviving them, but for most of us, those things we fear, we avoid. Often, we have no idea what we’re actually passing up. Public speaking? What if we stammer or tremble or mispronounce something? Would it be surprising to know that nearly every public speaker has done just that? Most audiences are forgiving of those things, and I think it’s been a while since anyone’s suffered bodily harm for screwing something like that up. Teaching a class? What if we don’t know every single thing in the world on the subject? The questions that have stumped me during a class or speaking to a group are the things I have later researched and have gotten a pretty firm handle on and I now greatly value – without those experiences, my depth of knowledge in those areas would be much shallower. What about eating a meal at a restaurant alone? That used to be a huge fear for me. I highly recommend giving this a shot as a great “baby step” for getting out of your safety net. What’s the worst thing that can happen? One of my most therapeutic exercises occurred when I was able to travel alone to NYC, stay alone in a hotel, and navigate the city by myself.

It’s interesting to observe younger women, still in that fear mode, and sad to see older ones that are. What are you gaining through being restrained by your fears?Feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t pass up an opportunity simply because you are afraid that the outcome may not be easy to predict, or you’re afraid you might look less than graceful (now, I am not talking about the instinctual, intuitive fear that tells you not to go into the darkened parking garage alone, at 2 AM, LISTEN TO THAT ONE!… ).

Some people think David and I are daring and crazy (?) to move to a new city amidst all of the other changes going on in our lives. Is it scary? Of course there is some fear when contemplating diving into the unknown. Among many things, 2009 has been a year of unknowns. If, on last New Year’s Eve, I’d been given a list of all the things that I’d be going through this year, I would most likely have said “no thank you” to many of them: “No thank you” to the prospect of a strenuous tax on my marriage that seemed to be without resolution. “No thank you” to quitting my reliable and socially gratifying job at a time when it did not make much financial sense to me. “No thank you” to helping my daughter plan a wedding in just eight short weeks on a shoe-string budget while still in school with the financial and time constraints that it carried. “No thank you” to having to take my youngest kid to college 600 miles away from home just one week after our oldest got married (isn’t that too much “letting go” for one 7 day period?). “No thank you” to the stresses and strains of interacting with a kid who seemed to be their own worst enemy during a critical time in their life. “No thank you” to my husband being less than 20 feet away from a crazed shooter at our fitness club while he played racquetball one evening – and the subsequent stress that confrontation with mortality this encounter carried. “No thank you” to the task of launching our kids confidently into the next phases of their lives during one of such uncertainty concerning our own. BUT, each of these things (and more) have added a richness and depth to me that I could never have gained had I played it safe and rested in the blissful state of unyielding predictability. Change is the most reliable thing that I can count on. Facing fear is what keeps me from getting stiff and ridged. It keeps me flexible.

So, as we prepare for this move to another city, I really am realizing that I am not “brave” or “crazy”, as some have said. I have no idea what to expect from this move: it’s the first time we will have moved based on “us” (and we have moved a lot), and not the kids: schools and fenced yards and game rooms and proximity to potential playmates are not on our radar. Will this be “better” or “worse” than where we are currently? It will be “different”. I don’t know what this move will look like until it’s done. I have no idea what to expect. It’s kind of like jumping off of a high-dive. I am not “brave” or “crazy”: I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. This is my new “safe”. I am playing it safe – as safe as I can. I am embracing this change – this new chapter – and hanging on for dear life.

Thirteen tips for stress free living

Posted in Personal | Comments Off

This is not my usual type of post. I wrote this for one of my kids who was having a particularly stressful time earlier this year. If you enjoy it, feel free to share it with others. Just leave it intact.

-Dave

————

Thirteen tips for stress free living.

by Dave Harkins

1. When you get up each morning, take a deep breath, hold it, count to 10 slowly, but remember to exhale. Pray for guidance for the day.

2. Don’t obsess over all the little details of daily living. As long as you wake up each morning, you’re good.

3. You’re going to forget something, miss something or make a mistake. It happens. Apologize and move on. Again, don’t obsess.

4. You can’t do everything you think you can do. Try anyway, but don’t kill yourself if you can’t get it all done.

5. Learn to say “No”. Practice now. You’ll need to learn the nuances. It’ll come in handy when you’re a parent.

6. Laugh. Even at stupid stuff. Find humor in everyday living. When you master this, I’ll get you a “”I laugh at my own jokes” wrist band like mine. Remember, life’s easier when you laugh.

7. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Even God laughs at himself and life. Consider the duckbill platypus. I think that animal is God not taking himself too seriously.

8. Only take on ONE “extra-curricular” activity at a time. More than one drains you and takes away focus from the things you find most important in life. The sad thing is, you won’t even realize you’ve lost focus until you’re drained and you’re asking yourself, “Why did I say I’d do that?” Not everything in life has equal importance.

9. Make time for yourself (and to be at peace with God). Find some personal time so you can commune with your thoughts. Everyone needs time for themselves. Especially harried college students and dads with five kids.

10. Remember, no matter how tough you think you have it, and how much stress you think you’re under, there are people in the world right now that would kill to be in your shoes.

11. Life is a series of transitions…you are moving from one life-stage to another. Shakespeare, in the play As You Like it, says it this way, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts…” Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season…” Some adults (and college students) try to play too many parts or have too many seasons all at the same time. Take one part or season at a time. You’ll sleep better. Trust me on this one.

12. Remember you’re loved. By your family (natural and adopted). By your friends, and by God. You’re where you are because of what you will become. I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I do believe this, but I think He just wishes you would learn when to say “no”…otherwise He’s really not sure how much you can handle.

13. When it gets to be too much, just pick your nose and fling the contents at someone. No. Don’t do that…it’s gross. But, I’ll bet I made you laugh. If so, refer to #6. See…it works.

Social Media: This, too, will change.

Posted in Change Management, Cultural Change, Featured, Social Media | 5 comments

I have always been an early adopter of technology. I like change and I get a bit of an adrenaline rush working with and figuring out new tools and toys. Unfortunately, there are a good number of my friends and family who do not understand some of the newer social media enablers. Twitter cannot be explained to most of them and some flat-out refuse to use Facebook. Others, I am sad to say, carry a cell phone, but cannot manage to “Text.” These are the same people who could not believe I would carry a BlackBerry® and answer emails after working hours, yet they now do the same. Times, and people, do change.

The use of these electronic tools for conversation isn’t as really the time-waster they insist it is. Frankly, I prefer to think of these tools as “time-enablers” instead of a “time-wasters.” Having a BlackBerry®, for example, allows me to take my work with me wherever I go. Whether it’s soccer games, band or chorus concerts, or business trips, I can easily bridge the time between work, play and life most of the time. This means I probably work more hours than the average person does, but I work differently. I like the freedom. After all, it’s all “life,” isn’t it?

Facebook allows me to keep up with my kids and friends while traveling on business or otherwise away from the PC. Twitter opens the doors to ideas and conversations that I would never have if I only talked to the people in my every-day business dealings. For those of us with intense curiosity and a burning desire to continue to learn new things, Twitter is the source of unbelievable amounts of useful information, shared by people with similar passions—even for a skimmer of tweets like me.

In a 2003 blog entry, “The trouble with cell phones,” I shared that my friend Roger might have been on to something when he suggested, “…cell phones have replaced cigarettes as a nervous habit. People pull out their cell phones, call others when they feel bored or need to kill 5 minutes or so, and didn’t plan ahead with some reading material.” Today, this has been replaced with texting, email, Facebook and Twitter. Tomorrow, it will be something else. As someone commented recently, given the choice people would rather be doing something than doing nothing. Mobile technologies allow us to do something all of the time—productive or not.

Technology has obviously evolved since 2003 when cell phones were the primary source of mobile conversations. While we still use cell phones, we use them differently. We talk little and text often. Technology and our use of will constantly evolve and morph into the next generation of tools. Think about it: the “shared applications,” mainframe-thinking of the 70’s evolved into tools like Google Apps and cloud computing discussions; AOL’s IM chat communities of the 90’s and classmates.com have evolved into today’s Facebook; and ASP program models of the 2000’s have evolved into the Software as a Service (SaaS) program models of today. The technology changed, sure. But, it was the users of the technology who drove those changes.

Knowing all of these things, it’s hard for me to imagine that a few short years from now what we call “Social Media” and the technology that supports it, will not have undergone a major transformation for the better. It will do so because of the users. Users of these tools already desire a more streamlined ways to improve communications with others. I have to believe that users will demand better integration of these tools to make their lives easier through increased mobility. This will allow the conversations to continue and the relationships to build all day, every day. Will this mean stronger, better relationships? Maybe. Only time will tell.

I am certain of two things, though. One: Everything about technology and social media interaction will continue to evolve. For those of us who are early adopters, we gain great insights into how that evolution may occur. Two: My friends, who don’t understand Twitter today, won’t understand the next step in the evolution either. Unfortunately, they will find themselves farther and farther behind; not just with technology, but also in their social interactions with others as many of their friends more readily adopt the changing way we communicate as a culture.

By know, we all should realize that, “this, too, will change.” Technology evolves. Communication methods evolve. Yet, people do not really evolve as much as they adapt. Either they drive such change by adopting, engaging, and sharing or they simply adapt to such change reluctantly in fear of being passed by.

Which will you do?

Thanks to @heathervescent with whom I had a Twitter conversation about emerging technology, which was the spark for this blog post.

BlackBerry® is a registered trademark of Research In Motion Limited.

A radical’s approach to change and innovation

Posted in Cultural Change, Innovation | Comments Off

Most people think change in an organization means doing something different just for the sake of doing something different. They are wrong, of course, but their thinking is not unfounded. They’re just victims of “bad change initiatives.” Too many organizations try to drive change through elaborate processes and procedures, often structured by large consulting firms that never have to implement their own plans. Consequently, these firms rarely take the time to understand what is being done, let alone why it is being done. Their view is strategic, and often take the built on the goal to align the organization with a “best practice.” However, best practices need to be adapted for every organizational culture and this is almost never done. It’s no wonder, “The more things change, the more things stay the same,” becomes a popular mantra.

I could tell you everything in this post that a top tier consulting firm would tell you to do, including, “get top management support,” if you want to create a change initiative. I’m not going to do this not because it doesn’t work—sometimes it does. My experience is real change and innovation within an organization doesn’t begin at the top because those at this level only see the symptoms, not the cause. Change and innovation is tactical, not strategic. Those closest to the cause are the ones who can best overcome the challenges and begin the change necessary for innovation. Unfortunately, these folks often don’t feel empowered to do so.

So, let this serve as empowerment to the individual: Be radical. Change and innovation in the organization begins with you, the individual, right now. Today. Here’s how to get the ball rolling:

> Start with things you can control. It’s easier to start small and change the things that are within your control. Look around. There are many, many things that are in you do every day that could benefit from improvements. Make those improvements. This kind of change and innovation is infectious and will flow throughout your organization faster than you might imagine.

> Look for things to “blow up“. Approach everything with the mindset that it needs to fixed. This doesn’t mean it really needs fixing, or that you need to be the one to fix it, but it forces you to look for the flaws. When the flaws outnumber the benefits, destroy it. The hard reality is that sometimes the only way make change is to blow it up and start over from scratch. Don’t be afraid to push the red button when you need to do so. This is often the origin of true innovation.

> Stretch the chain. Every day you should stretch “the chain” (people, processes, technology, etc.) until you find the weak links. Break them, put the chain back together, and stretch again tomorrow. When you find you are unable to break a link, take a break and look back on your accomplishment. These successes will help you build your credibility as change agent. However, don’t forget to come back and stretch the chain again later. No link is failsafe for very long.

> Cross the cultural minefield. Every organization has some approaches or things that are sacred. Before you start, know if the change you are attempting is going to put you at odds with the culture. You should know the dangers going in, but it’s likely you will still need to trip a few mines, purposefully. Trip the mines when it is the right thing to do without regard to fallout, but know that you may sustain injuries. Tripping the mines and slaughtering sacred cows is a messy job.

> Grow a thick skin. If you really want to be a successful change agent, you cannot worry about making friends while driving change and innovation. This is not to say you have to be mean or insensitive. Most people just hate change, not you, and will not hesitate to share their feelings. Some may even try to retaliate with a little political sabotage. Don’t take it personally. You’ll know you’re on the right track when people begin to complain about what you’re doing. Be prepared for the fall-out.

Please know that this is an individual approach and not a “team approach” to driving innovation. I have never believed that teams are successful leading change or innovation. “Innovation team” seems like an oxymoron to me. Even team of radicals will fail if they are forced to work too closely together. In my experience, the most successful innovation happens when individuals are motivated to make things better. An organization’s success with change and innovation is rooted in the personal initiatives of individual radicals who desire to make a difference.

To innovate and change an organization, find the radicals who strive to make a difference. Then turn them loose to do what they do best—stir things up.