Feel the Fear…and do it anyway
My friend, Elly Haddad, wrote this post earlier this week. It provides an excellent perspective about accepting and moving through the changes in our lives. Since my blog frequently touches on change management, I thought you might find Elly’s insights encouraging. Please welcome Elly as my first “guest blogger. “ Elly makes her living these days as a holistic health counselor and operates Elemental Fit. If you’d like to learn more about Elly and healthy eating approaches, visit her website at www.elementalfit.com.
By Elly Haddad (republished with permission)
One of the many pieces of valuable information I gleaned from my schooling was the mantra, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. All of my life I have been The Cautious One. Ride a rollercoaster? Only once, since my fear of heights/falling/premature dying/being crushed and/or mangled, kept me as close to the ground as possible whenever I actually dared to venture into an amusement park (and who REALLY inspects that stuff, anyway???). As a young child, I did not want to learn to drive since the apparent unpredictability of operating a vehicle seemed to leave too much up to “chance” (I got over this fear when I realized that it was not so much a matter of “chance”, but more a matter of not driving in the same manner as a particular close relative with whom I rode frequently 
. While my cautious (if not sometimes misguided) manner has, at times, served me well (like the time in high school I passed up a hit of acid because it was not hermetically sealed – had been passed from one germy, sweaty hand to another, linty pocket, after linty pocket – if not worse), it has also kept me limited and immobilized in certain areas, and though I began “getting over it” prior, hearing it repeated over and over in different variations this year, I AM over it now.
I began to see a glimmer of hope of being set free when I finally decided that “I AM a flyer”. I was nearly 40 years old and had passed up several opportunities to travel with David to some neat places simply because I could not bring myself to get on an airplane. Physics aside, something THAT heavy could not safely be up in the air…especially if it was carrying MY valuable body. An airplane breaking down carried much steeper consequences than a malfunction of a car engine. It wasn’t until I’d suffered through two excruciating solo 600 mile trips to Nashville and back to visit family that I started to fear breaking down/falling asleep at the wheel/getting attacked at a rest area more than being on an airplane, and I realized that my fear of flying was keeping me locked in a very small, paranoid world. With sweaty hands, I booked a flight and went on a trip. “I AM a flier…I AM a flier…I AM a flier…” I kept telling myself as I went alone to the ticket counter to check in for my flight, snaked my way through a busy security line, and onto the tram headed for my gate. Nervously, I kept tabs on the closest way out, until I became aware of the fact that airports look for nervous-looking travelers because they might be planning on doing something “bad”, so I tried to stay calm and play the part of a bored, seasoned flyer.
I succeeded in getting to my destination and back home, and realized that by confronting this fear of mine, a whole world had opened up to me. Had it not been for that confrontation, I would never have been able to complete my schooling (requiring 10 trips to New York over a six month period) or enjoy countless trips to spend time with those I love. My fear was containing me. Facing my fear made me freer, fuller.
In high school, I never did like going into the cafeteria or bathroom or even down the hall alone (I think some of this is a “girl thing”). This discomfort carried over into adulthood, manifested itself by keeping me from enjoying classes or other new experiences if it meant going alone. What I was actually afraid of happening is unclear, it just felt scary to be in situations alone, therefore, I avoided them. I’ve come to realize that I am over that. I’ve gone to several new classes at my gym all alone, and I actually survived (was I graceful in that cardio-kickboxing class? That’s another story…). I am finding I actually LOVE getting myself into these new situations, because each time I “feel the fear and do it anyway”, a part of me grows freer and fuller than I’d been if I was still content to let my fears control me.
I think it is human nature for us to be cautious and avoid those things that make us least comfortable. There are a select few who actually thrive on the adrenalin-rush of facing fears and surviving them, but for most of us, those things we fear, we avoid. Often, we have no idea what we’re actually passing up. Public speaking? What if we stammer or tremble or mispronounce something? Would it be surprising to know that nearly every public speaker has done just that? Most audiences are forgiving of those things, and I think it’s been a while since anyone’s suffered bodily harm for screwing something like that up. Teaching a class? What if we don’t know every single thing in the world on the subject? The questions that have stumped me during a class or speaking to a group are the things I have later researched and have gotten a pretty firm handle on and I now greatly value – without those experiences, my depth of knowledge in those areas would be much shallower. What about eating a meal at a restaurant alone? That used to be a huge fear for me. I highly recommend giving this a shot as a great “baby step” for getting out of your safety net. What’s the worst thing that can happen? One of my most therapeutic exercises occurred when I was able to travel alone to NYC, stay alone in a hotel, and navigate the city by myself.
It’s interesting to observe younger women, still in that fear mode, and sad to see older ones that are. What are you gaining through being restrained by your fears?Feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t pass up an opportunity simply because you are afraid that the outcome may not be easy to predict, or you’re afraid you might look less than graceful (now, I am not talking about the instinctual, intuitive fear that tells you not to go into the darkened parking garage alone, at 2 AM, LISTEN TO THAT ONE!… ).
Some people think David and I are daring and crazy (?) to move to a new city amidst all of the other changes going on in our lives. Is it scary? Of course there is some fear when contemplating diving into the unknown. Among many things, 2009 has been a year of unknowns. If, on last New Year’s Eve, I’d been given a list of all the things that I’d be going through this year, I would most likely have said “no thank you” to many of them: “No thank you” to the prospect of a strenuous tax on my marriage that seemed to be without resolution. “No thank you” to quitting my reliable and socially gratifying job at a time when it did not make much financial sense to me. “No thank you” to helping my daughter plan a wedding in just eight short weeks on a shoe-string budget while still in school with the financial and time constraints that it carried. “No thank you” to having to take my youngest kid to college 600 miles away from home just one week after our oldest got married (isn’t that too much “letting go” for one 7 day period?). “No thank you” to the stresses and strains of interacting with a kid who seemed to be their own worst enemy during a critical time in their life. “No thank you” to my husband being less than 20 feet away from a crazed shooter at our fitness club while he played racquetball one evening – and the subsequent stress that confrontation with mortality this encounter carried. “No thank you” to the task of launching our kids confidently into the next phases of their lives during one of such uncertainty concerning our own. BUT, each of these things (and more) have added a richness and depth to me that I could never have gained had I played it safe and rested in the blissful state of unyielding predictability. Change is the most reliable thing that I can count on. Facing fear is what keeps me from getting stiff and ridged. It keeps me flexible.
So, as we prepare for this move to another city, I really am realizing that I am not “brave” or “crazy”, as some have said. I have no idea what to expect from this move: it’s the first time we will have moved based on “us” (and we have moved a lot), and not the kids: schools and fenced yards and game rooms and proximity to potential playmates are not on our radar. Will this be “better” or “worse” than where we are currently? It will be “different”. I don’t know what this move will look like until it’s done. I have no idea what to expect. It’s kind of like jumping off of a high-dive. I am not “brave” or “crazy”: I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. This is my new “safe”. I am playing it safe – as safe as I can. I am embracing this change – this new chapter – and hanging on for dear life.
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Social Media: This, too, will change.
I have always been an early adopter of technology. I like change and I get a bit of an adrenaline rush working with and figuring out new tools and toys. Unfortunately, there are a good number of my friends and family who do not understand some of the newer social media enablers. Twitter cannot be explained to most of them and some flat-out refuse to use Facebook. Others, I am sad to say, carry a cell phone, but cannot manage to “Text.” These are the same people who could not believe I would carry a BlackBerry® and answer emails after working hours, yet they now do the same. Times, and people, do change.
The use of these electronic tools for conversation isn’t as really the time-waster they insist it is. Frankly, I prefer to think of these tools as “time-enablers” instead of a “time-wasters.” Having a BlackBerry®, for example, allows me to take my work with me wherever I go. Whether it’s soccer games, band or chorus concerts, or business trips, I can easily bridge the time between work, play and life most of the time. This means I probably work more hours than the average person does, but I work differently. I like the freedom. After all, it’s all “life,” isn’t it?
Facebook allows me to keep up with my kids and friends while traveling on business or otherwise away from the PC. Twitter opens the doors to ideas and conversations that I would never have if I only talked to the people in my every-day business dealings. For those of us with intense curiosity and a burning desire to continue to learn new things, Twitter is the source of unbelievable amounts of useful information, shared by people with similar passions—even for a skimmer of tweets like me.
In a 2003 blog entry, “The trouble with cell phones,” I shared that my friend Roger might have been on to something when he suggested, “…cell phones have replaced cigarettes as a nervous habit. People pull out their cell phones, call others when they feel bored or need to kill 5 minutes or so, and didn’t plan ahead with some reading material.” Today, this has been replaced with texting, email, Facebook and Twitter. Tomorrow, it will be something else. As someone commented recently, given the choice people would rather be doing something than doing nothing. Mobile technologies allow us to do something all of the time—productive or not.
Technology has obviously evolved since 2003 when cell phones were the primary source of mobile conversations. While we still use cell phones, we use them differently. We talk little and text often. Technology and our use of will constantly evolve and morph into the next generation of tools. Think about it: the “shared applications,” mainframe-thinking of the 70’s evolved into tools like Google Apps and cloud computing discussions; AOL’s IM chat communities of the 90’s and classmates.com have evolved into today’s Facebook; and ASP program models of the 2000’s have evolved into the Software as a Service (SaaS) program models of today. The technology changed, sure. But, it was the users of the technology who drove those changes.
Knowing all of these things, it’s hard for me to imagine that a few short years from now what we call “Social Media” and the technology that supports it, will not have undergone a major transformation for the better. It will do so because of the users. Users of these tools already desire a more streamlined ways to improve communications with others. I have to believe that users will demand better integration of these tools to make their lives easier through increased mobility. This will allow the conversations to continue and the relationships to build all day, every day. Will this mean stronger, better relationships? Maybe. Only time will tell.
I am certain of two things, though. One: Everything about technology and social media interaction will continue to evolve. For those of us who are early adopters, we gain great insights into how that evolution may occur. Two: My friends, who don’t understand Twitter today, won’t understand the next step in the evolution either. Unfortunately, they will find themselves farther and farther behind; not just with technology, but also in their social interactions with others as many of their friends more readily adopt the changing way we communicate as a culture.
By know, we all should realize that, “this, too, will change.” Technology evolves. Communication methods evolve. Yet, people do not really evolve as much as they adapt. Either they drive such change by adopting, engaging, and sharing or they simply adapt to such change reluctantly in fear of being passed by.
Which will you do?
Thanks to @heathervescent with whom I had a Twitter conversation about emerging technology, which was the spark for this blog post.
BlackBerry® is a registered trademark of Research In Motion Limited.
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The rise of a new “Hero”
I just finished reading, The Fourth Turning
The Fourth Turning is a Crisis, a decisive era of secular upheaval, when the values of regime propel the replacement of the old civic order with a new one.
Strauss and Howe go on to say that each Turning has its own mood. During the Fourth Turning, they suggest that we will see families being strengthened, gender roles widening, ideals championed, and new institutions founded. We will become practical as a culture, our social priority will be building our community, and our greatest sense of need will be to fix the world beyond ourselves.
It sounds like the world we are living in now, doesn’t it?
If you are familiar with Strauss and Howe’s previous book, Generations: The History of America’s Future, 1584 to 2069
As the Millennials move into adulthood, they are merging their needs, values, and expectations into every detail of their lives. They need to feel that they are making a difference. They value consensus, relationships, and family. They hold the government, institutions, corporations, their peers, society, and themselves to higher standards than any other generation. Along the way, their idealism is resetting the expectations not just for their own generation, but also for all.
Organizations and corporations must take note of these changes because it is redefining the way success will be measured as it relates to the customer, member, or donor. Consider these points critical for the future survival of nearly every business and organization:
1. Be trustworthy in all your encounters. You have to earn the business.
2. Be transparent in all your actions. You must walk the talk.
3. Stand for something bigger than profits. Greed is no longer acceptable.
4. Make a difference in the world around you. You must care and show it.
5. Build meaningful relationships with your customers. People like to do business with those they like.
6. Ask for input from constituents and use what you are given. Collaboration and consensus means everything.
While these points could essentially be summed up into the Golden Rule, they are often lost in the business world. The Millennials are reminding us all that there is something larger than ourselves that needs tending. This is the attitude that must prevail in our businesses, our colleges, our communities, and our government.
If Millenials are successful in driving change in this Fourth Turning, our world will undoubtedly change for the better. And, they will have earned the label of Hero.
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Finding the edges
There’s a lot of disruption in the world.
I read today that more than 200,000 job cuts have been announced this month. Most announcements have been by big companies; we never hear about the smaller firms. In fact, many businesses have likely closed all together. We will not hear about those for a while.
These stories remind me of economic climate around the time of the dot-com bust. There was a lot of disruption then, too, but it led to great thinking and innovation in technology and in other sectors.
For those of us in the technology sector then, it was difficult time. Yet, those experiences changed technology. That disruption forced us out of our comfort zone and to the edges of our businesses where we discovered new opportunities to serve untapped markets. In some cases, we created markets where none had previously existed. We found things we never dreamt about or thought possible before someone “dropped the bomb,” forced us out, and made us look back on what had happened.
Without the dot-com disruption, we likely would not know about MP3 players, iPhones, social networks, blogs, or Twitter. Thanks to that disruption, technology makes it easier for us to keep in-touch, check our bank accounts from our mobile phones, and carry thousands of songs in our pocket.
I believe we need disruption in our lives, our businesses, and our worlds. We need to be forced outside of our comfort zone. We need to get to the edges, pull out the binoculars, and look at things a little differently. Like it or not, we need disruption to facilitate change and force us to the next level–whatever that may hold for us.
The good news is, we don’t have to wait for disruption from an external source. Scary as it may be we can create it ourselves; and, we probably should in this economy. Finding and getting to the edges may well be the only way our businesses will survive.
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The “Great” Facebook Blackout
December 15, 2008, over a million members of Facebook.com planned to stop using the website for a day. It seemed many users were unhappy with the new layout, account deletions, and interaction limitations of the network. They believed that by staging a blackout, Facebook management would listen. It didn’t work.
There are more than 40 million users in the United States alone. The Blackout folks didn’t even register a hiccup. In fact, Alexa.com did not show a sudden drop in pages views on December 15, or a sudden increase in page views on December 16.
The core generation using Facebook understands that the masses can move the direction of a company. They understand that the customer (in this case a Facebook user) can control and guide the brand. The problem here seems to be that the users think they “own” the brand that Facebook has developed. It’s a subtle, but important difference for both Facebook management and its users to consider.
We understand that Facebook management wants to build a website that attracts the masses, build user stickiness, and tastefully monetize the website through advertising. Management’s goal is likely to make money for investors (0r at least cover the cost of operating the service.) We also understand that users just want to interact with each others using the website and tolerate the advertising in exchange for free user of the tools.
Facebook management does seem to listen to requests and input from users, but I doubt the Blackout garnered much of their attention. Although, if the Blackout participants had numbered 10 or 20 million it might have raised an eyebrow or two. Facebook, like many Web 2.0 services, is designed for “the many” and not “the few.” It’s a very small number who are complaining about the changes Facebook management is making.
I suspect “the few” just don’t like any change in their lives.
Yet, in our online and offline worlds, change in our lives is the only thing on which we can depend. So, you (Facebook user or not) really have just three choices:
1. Drive change
2. Accept change
3. Freeze from fear of change
What will you chose in 2009? I hope you don’t choose the third option.
Happy New Year!
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