I’d like to offer you some unsolicited advice about this next stage of your life. I’m not so old as to assume that I am wise, but I’m pretty experienced in the ups and downs of what lies ahead for you.  Maybe you can learn a thing or two from my insights that will give you a few advantages as you head out into this crazy world.

Laugh. Find the humor in life. If you can’t, laugh at yourself. Laugh at your own jokes. Just laugh. Your heart will be a lot lighter and that’s something you’re really going to need as thorough out your life. Carrying a heavy heart will wear you out eventually. Trust me on this.

Get out of your own head. The more time you spend with an inward focus, the faster you’ll turn on yourself.  That’s not going to be a good thing.

You’re about to encounter a world that doesn’t really care all that much about who you are, who you know or what kind of degree you may have just earned. It’s no longer about you. It’s about what you can do for others—at work, at home, or even for the strangers you encounter—that will give your life the most meaning and purpose.  If you’ve already figured this out, you’re miles ahead of most people your age.

Get a job. Unless you’re extraordinarily lucky, you’re probably not going to get a job that has anything to do with what you’ve just spent the last four years studying in college. Take any job. You need experience. Experience is what will make you valuable to an employer. The college degree just says you might have learned how to think things through.

If you’re graduating high school and college is not in your immediate plans, learn a trade. No matter what anyone tells you, not everyone has the maturity or is cut out for the rigors of another four years of schooling. The world probably needs more plumbers, electricians, and barbers, than accountants and lawyers.  Frankly, it’s kind of hard to take care of business if there’s no power in your office or your toilets won’t flush.

Whichever path you choose, remember that the first job is just a job. It’s not always the start of a career. A career is not something you plan, really. It’s something you look back on and realize you’ve had.

Figure out your strengths. Or at least figure out your weaknesses.   Gravitate to what you do well, but still learn how to do the things you dislike or that you suck at doing.  You’ll have to do a lot of things in life that you don’t like to do, or don’t do well; knowing how to do these things, especially if you do them with a smile, will make your life so much easier.

Do what you love. You may not always make a lot of money, but you’ll be much happier.  Don’t wait until you are 50 to do this; it will no longer be the “passion of youth,” instead it will be seen as a “mid-life crisis.” The outcome is about the same either way, though if wait until later, you’ll have more responsibilities to juggle and face a lot more eye-rolling from your friends and family as you find your new way.

Oh, and if somewhere along the way you discover that your avocation and your vocation turn out to be the same thing, you’ve hit the jackpot. Grab it and don’t let go. Ever.

Don’t fret over what other people think of how you chose to live life. They’re either jealous or judgmental.  Either way, don’t let their thoughts get in the way of your happiness. Live for yourself and be happy.

Be somebody’s hero. It’s not hard, really. Always try to be helpful to others and strive to do the “right thing”—whatever that “right thing” might be in a given situation. This is all that is required of you to make a difference in the lives of others. Do it.

Show gratitude. I know you think you can do everything yourself. You can’t. You need the help of others to get through life. Remember to thank them for their help—whether you ask for that help or not.  Expressing gratitude not only shows them that you appreciate their contribution to your life; it makes you feel much better about yourself. You’ll be surprised at how much it will help your self-confidence and your ability to turn a negative outlook into a positive one.

Tell the people you love that you love them. At least daily, but work saying it more frequently. They need to hear it often, and specifically when they don’t want to hear it or think they deserve it the least.

When the actions and attitudes of those you love disappoint you, remember that your love must be unconditional.  It is especially important that you demonstrate your love in such difficult times with both words and deeds. They need to know it is their actions and attitudes that you dislike and this has no bearing whatsoever on the love you have for them as a person.

Continue to learn throughout life, but remember to teach a little, too. There will be some people who come into your life to teach you something and there will be those who come to learn something from you.  Be open to the new people who come into your life. They have come for reasons you may not yet understand.

Recharge before you break down. Introverts draw energy from being alone. Extroverts draw energy from being with others.  Obviously, either is fine as long as it gives you the energy you need and helps you to relax.  Learn what works for you and make time to do it regularly. Take care of yourself and your personal needs. Make recharging a priority.

Take care of the little things. Doing so will help prevent little annoyances from turning into huge headaches and help provide the proper environment for those little opportunities to eventually bear fruit.

Forgive other people. The word “forgive” is such a small word, yet requires so much of your energy to make actionable. Give it all the energy it requires.  Life’s too short to do otherwise. Carrying around anger and resentment is all about you and does nothing to the other person. It only makes you bitter. There’s enough bitterness in the world without your contribution.

Apologize. You’re not always going to be right. You’re going to say hurtful things in the heat of an argument.  Recognize when you’re wrong and apologize. It goes hand-in-hand with that forgiveness thing I just mentioned.

“Black and white” is an artificial concept. Everyone’s “black and white” is different.  People fabricate it in an attempt to force the world into a box that makes sense for them. Keep in mind that the world is full of color and a lot of that color is grey.  See it. Understand it. Know that you will need to accept it in your life. Just don’t live too much of your time there because you need a lot of color in life; black and white, not so much.

History is important. It helps you understand who you are today.  Yet, it only defines you and keeps you from who you want to become if you choose to let it.

Always move the ball forward. The only way to score in football or soccer is to keep the ball moving down the field toward the goal. Life’s like this, too.  Keep your eye on the goal and keep moving forward.  Anything else keeps you from achieving your goals.

Don’t have a “Plan B.” A “Plan A” is all you need. You can alter the plan as necessary, but you shouldn’t change your goal.  “Plan B” is a completely new direction. It’s a fallback position when the path to Plan A might become a little overwhelming or for some other reason unattainable.  You don’t need it.  It’s too easy for Plan B to become Plan Z and all you’ve done each time is scale-back your goals, or worse still, just quit trying to achieve them.

Quitting only makes one thing easier. That one thing is, quitting. Don’t be a quitter. If you don’t like what you’ve committed to doing or it’s not what you signed up for, stick it out anyway.  You don’t have to do it a second time, but take whatever you start to completion; however, “completion” is defined.

Your span of control is two-square-feet. Your attitude, actions and intentions are all that you can control. Everything else in your life is controlled by someone else’s attitude, action, or intention.  Exercise great control over the two-square-feet of territory in which you stand; you’re the supreme ruler and high commander of your turf. While you may be able to occupy someone else’s turf for a while, rest assured there will always be an uprising and you will be forced back to your own kingdom. Sometimes those revolutions are pretty bloody. Why risk it?

Assume the best intentions. People are inherently good. Circumstances and situations can cause people to do bad things. Sometimes it’s a lack of character, although often it’s simply that they didn’t think through their actions carefully enough.  Learn how to tell the difference and give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t let a lifetime of good be overshadowed by one or two poor decisions for a friend, or someone you love.

Test your fears. Conquer them if you can, but definitely test them. It will give you the self-confidence that you will need in life. Fear is the only thing that will keep you from experiencing the world and achieving great things.  Remember, you can do anything you aspire to do once you push your fears aside.

Change is good. As a human being, you need to experience new people, places, and things to broaden who you are and how you think about your place and purpose in the world. Remember this: change is never bad. Change is just something different than what you’re doing now or what you want to do. Don’t let your fear of the unknown—the root of your desire not to change—prevent you from achieving your life goals. (See: “Test your fears” above).

The 12 Points of the Scout Law are a pretty good guide for living life. These twelve words pack a lot of power as a guide for living meaningful life. In fact, they pretty much sum up a lot of the advice I’ve just given you. Twelve words are probably going to be a lot easier for you to remember, though; I recommend memorizing them.

Trustworthy. Loyal. Helpful. Friendly. Courteous. Kind. Obedient. Cheerful. Thrifty. Brave. Clean. Reverent.

Believe in a higher power. Personally, I believe in God; but, not in an old man with a long white beard who lives above the clouds.  Regardless of what organized religion may tell you, who or what your higher power is, whether God, “The Universe,” life energy, or Mother Earth, probably doesn’t matter all that much.  The important thing is that you understand there’s something bigger than yourself out there and it plays some part in our daily lives.

You can see this power at work every day if you’ll keep your mind open to the possibilities. Just remember not to belittle it. I doubt this higher power cares if you get a parking space closer to the front of the grocery store.

God speaks through life’s coincidences. There will be times in your life when situations, ideas and opportunities present themselves repeatedly. All too often, they are like little whispers in our ears that you will chose to tune-out for whatever reason. If you keep tuning-out or blowing off those whispers and they keep coming back in a different form, you just might want to start listening a little more closely to what those whispers are telling you. Chances are you’re being called to the next step in your life journey.  Keep your mind open to the possibilities, tune-in to the whispers, and you’ll always find yourself right where you need to be in life.

You are not now, who you will become. Everything you experience, everything you do, and everyone you meet will touch your life and somehow shape who you are as a person.  Because you’re always experiencing, meeting and doing, you’re always learning and growing as a person. As long as you remain open to this kind of growth, whoever you think you are today is not who you will become tomorrow, the day after, next year or even thirty-years from now.

Above all else, don’t let yourself be defined by the present. Take in everything. Reflect on it carefully. Then, be open and honest enough to transform yourself into be the person you’re meant to become.

Oh yeah, and remember to laugh. It pretty much cures everything that ails you.

Good luck out there. I’m always around if you need me.

-Dave

(If you like this and want to share with others, please feel free to do so. Please remember to credit me and tag me if you do and link back to this website.)

Open letter to the Class of 2011 | Dave Harkins

I am straight person coming out in support of allowing lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals to love whomever they may chose, and to live life free of discrimination and persecution of any kind.

This has been a long time coming for me.  I was raised to be tolerant and have endeavored to be so over the years, although I have been admittedly uncomfortable at times when around my LBGT friends.  I don’t know why, and would not dream of trying to explain such feelings when there’s no rational basis for their existence.  I will tell you, though, that I’ve finally outgrown the discomfort.

We live in a different world than the one in which I grew up.  Largely, our culture is more accepting, because those children who learned that “everyone gets a trophy just for showing up,” have become perhaps the most tolerant generation of young adults in our history.  Yet, those I know who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender still cannot step forward and express their love for someone of the same gender, let alone marry someone of the same sex in most states.

While it seems that we have made some progress, many in our world seem to care more about what consenting adults do behind closed-doors than about the contribution those adults make to our society.  As for me, I am not interested in knowing the detailed sexual behavior of anyone I know–heterosexual or homosexual.  It just doesn’t matter to me, and frankly should not matter to anyone else.  After all, would you want someone to know the intimate details of your closed-door encounters?  I wouldn’t think so.

If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, know that there are people who love you and care about you regardless of whether you’re “in or out.”  It makes no difference to us if you choose to be public with your sexuality.  We encourage you to do what is necessary for yourself, but hope that you’ll consider your current circumstances.  Unfortunately, as much our culture has become more tolerant, there are still a good number of homophobic people and institutions out there.  Above all, we want you to be safe.

For everyone else, grow up already.  People are just people.  Every one of us deserves to love and to be loved.  Can we stop standing in the way of anyone who is seeking love and just support them in their quest?

Isn’t it about time we all came out in support of our fellow human beings? It seems to me that life and love are hard enough without all the hatred?

Isn’t it about time we all came out? | Dave Harkins

In the Forming step, teams learn about their project expectations and explore how to reach the goal a group of individuals.  The Storming step is where conflicts arise as the members of the team hash out their individual differences about the steps to achieve project success.  In the Norming step, the team becomes more comfortable with the strengths and contributions of each individual and agrees to move forward with a clear, common goal.  The team hits its stride in the Performing step, when the individual members know how to function together as a single unit and their reliance and dependence on each other fuels higher enthusiasm and motivation for the project’s success.

These steps are not always apparent to the team members, but a good team leader understands the importance of the process and takes the responsibility to guide the team through each phase.  Sounds simple, right?  Unfortunately, it is not as easy as it looks. Here’s why:

No one likes Storming.

You see, most people don’t like conflict.  You may be one of them.  Whether it’s a genetic predisposition, shyness, or their parents raised them to be polite, the very idea of an argumentative debate with another person over a business issue becomes horrifying.  I’m not talking about arguing for the sake of arguing; I’m talking about providing constructive criticism and personal insights to help shape and move the project forward in a positive manner.

Yet, so many will see this confrontation as a personal attack.  Therefore, most individuals on a team never rise to the level of Storming with their peers and a few strong-willed team members will take over the project.  Then the result reflects the ideas and solutions of the few, and not of the many.  Because the result is not representative of the team’s combined experience and intelligence, it falls far short of the ideal solution.

Now, I know you’re saying, “Where’s the team leader who’s supposed to guide the team through the process?”  The leader is there, of course, but most team “leaders” do not like conflict either.  Instead of encouraging and facilitating each step, the leader allows the vocal minority to take control.

Few projects, initiatives, or programs ever reach their full potential because most individuals and many “leaders” are too afraid to talk about the issues that are important to them as they strive to reach their goals.  Lack of effective leadership is a serious problem in many corporations and nonprofits today—but that’s a topic for another post.

In our personal lives, many of us have similar challenges.  We go through the same steps—Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing—as our life circumstances change and we are forced to adapt.  But, we rarely allow ourselves to Strom—to confront and address those issues that keep us from moving forward.  Instead, we often find ourselves standing still, perhaps talking in circles, and repeating the same conversations time-after-time because the real issues are not being addressed.  Alternatively, we may just resign ourselves to carry around the burdens and frustrations of not being heard.  Either way, it may sometimes seem much easier to keep quiet than to step up and be the force that drives our own lives forward.

Storming is a necessary part of life.  It helps us to confront the issues and overcome the conflicts that prevent us from achieving greater successes.  We must not be afraid to Storm, however uncomfortable it may be for us.  Storming is especially critical when it serves to move projects or ideas forward, or supports growth in our personal lives.  Refusing to Storm never allows us to be the best we can be, as an individual or as a member of team.

Think of it this way: Storms always pass.  When we step outside after the dark clouds move on, look up to the clear sky and breathe in the clean air, we find ourselves giving thanks for the heavy rain the storm showered upon us.  When we move from Storming, to Norming, to Performing—as a team or as an individual—I guarantee the feeling of gratitude is the same.

Photo Credit:After the Storm by Phil’s Hat

Don’t be afraid of the Storms | Dave Harkins

The facilitator allowed us ten minutes to decide the one thing that we stood for, above all other things, to share with the group.  I quickly made a list of things that were core to my life and beliefs then, I agonized for the remaining eight minutes over the priority of the words.  What was the one thing that stood above all others?  Was it creativity, or trust, or directness?  Was it something spiritual?  I just wasn’t sure.  Then, out of nowhere came a memory of conversation with a friend.

A few months prior, I was sharing that I learned early in my career that I enjoy creating and building new businesses, processes, or programs, and I dislike the mundane details of the day-day-management of the things I’ve built.  Although I can make myself manage those things for a while, I usually get bored and frustrated, and I look to hire someone quickly who loves those daily details.  Frankly, it allows me to keep my sanity.  I need variety in my work and life to maintain my motivation.

After hearing my story, my friend asked what he thought was an innocent question, “What is it you like most; the act of creating or building something new, or seeing the finished result of your hard work?”  The question took me off guard; I think of myself as an introspective guy, yet I had never asked myself this question.

A few minutes passed before I answered, “The act of creating and building is what motivates me most.  When I build a table, for example, the fun for me is in selecting and cutting the wood then, assembling the seemingly disparate pieces into a functioning table.  Once it’s built, I may walk by a couple of times and admire my handiwork, but then I move on to the next thing.  What drives me is, ‘what could be,’ not necessarily ‘what is.’”

This memory helped me realize that above all things, I stand for the “possibilities” in life and in work.  The possibility of something yet to come stirs a passion and drive deep inside that propels me forward.  To have the ability, however flawed at times, to see life or work in a way that allows me to envision the picture on the top of the puzzle box when others can only see the individual pieces of the puzzle; to create something new where nothing exists is exhilarating.  Unlike most, the possibilities of life or work do not scare me; instead, I thrive on what might be and push hard to get there, if only pause shortly before moving on to the next thing.

As wrote the word “possibilities” at the top of my list, our 10 minutes were up.  We stood and moved into a circle to share our “stands” with each other.  As each person told their stand, I almost immediately looked at them differently; as if I had a better understanding of the way they thought about new ideas or responded to the challenges of change.  It was literally, as if a light bulb went on above my head.  I have long known the backgrounds and perceptions of others influence their actions and decisions, but I had never before heard someone sum up their life’s motivation in one word—their public stand.

I realized then my stand is both a gift and a curse.  I’m fortunate that I can often see the big picture or goal, even when imperfect at the start.  I am also blessed with ability think in detail, so I can design and take action on the steps necessary to reach that goal.  There are times, though, when I see the top of the puzzle box so clearly that I push others too hard without considering how their own “stand” might be guiding them on their journey.  Instead of helping them on the journey, I push them forward before their ready to go, causing some aggravation and frustration at times.

For those who are wondering, I have been working on holding my tongue until others are ready to hear what I have to say.  My success varies, hourly.

Since that training day, I’ve been thinking that life would be much easier if only we knew the “stand” of everyone we love and work with each day.  Would it make a difference if we simply stood up from our computer at home right now or walked into our office tomorrow and said, “I stand for [insert your stand here]” to our family and co-workers?  After they get over the shock of the public proclamation and you explain what you’re doing, I believe it would make a difference.

It seems to me that understanding just one more thing about someone we work with or someone we love makes all the difference in how we can relate to them.  This new understanding becomes a gift because, it not only changes our lives; it changes theirs.

Go on.  Do it.  Now.  It’s easy. I’ll even go first.

I stand for possibilities.

Want to take it step further? If you’re on Twitter, I encourage send a tweet after you read this with your stand (“ I stand for…”) and the hashtag, #takeapublicstand.

Photo credit: fists in the air by Ibai Lemon

Will you make a public stand in life? | Dave Harkins

In February 2010, I had the privilege of sharing the message for Scout  Sunday at my church.  My message that Sunday was based on the New Testament book of Luke 6:17-26, commonly known as the “Beatitudes.” I closed the message with a story about Richard Pearlman that I compiled from news reports. Below is the story and the message closing:

…let me share with you the story of Richard Pearlman.  He knew a little something about making an effort and the responsibilities of taking care of others.

Richie joined the junior corps of Forest Hills Volunteer Ambulance Corps. when he was 14, working as a volunteer dispatcher.  At 18, he joined the Senior Corps as a paramedic, where he immediately became a source of knowledge for new dispatchers and new volunteer members.  He looked forward to starting his EMT courses and a career in emergency services.

Richie was a constant presence at the Corps.  He was the regular Tuesday night and Saturday daytime dispatcher.  He was present at every can shaking and blood pressure screening the Corps held.  But he found his passion when became involved in the Boy Scouts of America, as an Assistant Scoutmaster for Troop 106, in Queens, New York.  Richie was committed to both Scouting and caring for others.  The summer of 2001, Richie was staffer at Boy Scout Camp Aquehonga in Narrowsburg, NY. He served in the trading post, camp services, assisted the commissioners and as an office manager.  While in the office, Richie found his calling and a new nickname, “mother.”  He earned this name for the way he doted on injured campers and staff.  Richie was a trained in CPR and as a first aid technician, but his specialty was psychological first aid.  He had a knack for calming down the most upset and injured Scout and Scouter alike.

Richie lived with his parents in Howard Beach, NY and was working as a messenger for a New York Law firm the morning of September 11, 2001.  He was delivering a package to One Police Plaza when he learned that the first airplane had struck the World Trade Center not far away.  He called his boss and told him he had gone over to help.  His employer ordered him back to the offices where he would be safe, however Richie knew in his heart where he belonged.  He saw total mayhem before him, and his training kicked in.  He shared that he saw people hurt and bleeding.  “I have to stay and do what I can to help.”

Upon arriving, the 18-year-old, flashed his gold paramedic’s badge #3754, and rushed into a building to aid in the rescue effort.  Despite the chaos at the scene, Richie’s heroics were later confirmed on pages 16-17 in Newsweek’s Extra Edition of America Under Attack which shows a picture of Richie aiding the injured—helping a woman covered in blood, but alive, from one of the towers.  After getting her to safety, he ran back in to find more survivors.  Shortly afterward, the towers came down.

Richard Allen Pearlman, 18, an assistant scoutmaster with Troop 106, chartered to Trinity Lutheran Church in Queens, NY became the youngest victim of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.  He received The Honor Medal, with crossed palms, the highest award given by the Boy Scouts of America for an act of Heroism at extreme risk to oneself.

“He used to always say,” his mother shared at his funeral, ‘I’m going to be a famous person one day, Mom.  I’m going to help save the world.  ‘You’ll see.’  “And he did save the world…at least the world for the one woman he helped escaped the towers that day.

Richie Pearlman was an exceptional man.  He was a brave, courageous, tenacious, and strong.  But, we learned that he was also loving, compassionate, empathetic, and kind-hearted – everything we hope for in ourselves and in others.  In our scriptures today, Jesus is clear about his expectations of us; that as His followers, we are held to a higher standard through this “code of conduct.”  Richie Pearlman was just being the kind of person that God calls us all to be.

The message closed with this video:

May God bless and keep the families of those who perished on September 11, 2001.

It’s in every one of us: A 9/11 story | Dave Harkins

-Dave

————

Thirteen tips for stress free living.

by Dave Harkins

1. When you get up each morning, take a deep breath, hold it, count to 10 slowly, but remember to exhale. Pray for guidance for the day.

2. Don’t obsess over all the little details of daily living. As long as you wake up each morning, you’re good.

3. You’re going to forget something, miss something or make a mistake. It happens. Apologize and move on. Again, don’t obsess.

4. You can’t do everything you think you can do. Try anyway, but don’t kill yourself if you can’t get it all done.

5. Learn to say “No”. Practice now. You’ll need to learn the nuances. It’ll come in handy when you’re a parent.

6. Laugh. Even at stupid stuff. Find humor in everyday living. When you master this, I’ll get you a “”I laugh at my own jokes” wrist band like mine. Remember, life’s easier when you laugh.

7. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Even God laughs at himself and life. Consider the duckbill platypus. I think that animal is God not taking himself too seriously.

8. Only take on ONE “extra-curricular” activity at a time. More than one drains you and takes away focus from the things you find most important in life. The sad thing is, you won’t even realize you’ve lost focus until you’re drained and you’re asking yourself, “Why did I say I’d do that?” Not everything in life has equal importance.

9. Make time for yourself (and to be at peace with God). Find some personal time so you can commune with your thoughts. Everyone needs time for themselves. Especially harried college students and dads with five kids.

10. Remember, no matter how tough you think you have it, and how much stress you think you’re under, there are people in the world right now that would kill to be in your shoes.

11. Life is a series of transitions…you are moving from one life-stage to another. Shakespeare, in the play As You Like it, says it this way, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts…” Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season…” Some adults (and college students) try to play too many parts or have too many seasons all at the same time. Take one part or season at a time. You’ll sleep better. Trust me on this one.

12. Remember you’re loved. By your family (natural and adopted). By your friends, and by God. You’re where you are because of what you will become. I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I do believe this, but I think He just wishes you would learn when to say “no”…otherwise He’s really not sure how much you can handle.

13. When it gets to be too much, just pick your nose and fling the contents at someone. No. Don’t do that…it’s gross. But, I’ll bet I made you laugh. If so, refer to #6. See…it works.

Thirteen tips for stress free living | Dave Harkins