Feel the Fear…and do it anyway

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My friend, Elly Haddad, wrote this post earlier this week. It provides an excellent perspective about accepting and moving through the changes in our lives. Since my blog frequently touches on change management, I thought you might find Elly’s insights encouraging.  Please welcome Elly as my first “guest blogger. “  Elly makes her living these days as a holistic health counselor and operates Elemental Fit. If you’d like to learn more about Elly and healthy eating approaches, visit her website at www.elementalfit.com.

By Elly Haddad (republished with permission)

One of the many pieces of valuable information I gleaned from my schooling was the mantra, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. All of my life I have been The Cautious One. Ride a rollercoaster? Only once, since my fear of heights/falling/premature dying/being crushed and/or mangled, kept me as close to the ground as possible whenever I actually dared to venture into an amusement park (and who REALLY inspects that stuff, anyway???). As a young child, I did not want to learn to drive since the apparent unpredictability of operating a vehicle seemed to leave too much up to “chance” (I got over this fear when I realized that it was not so much a matter of “chance”, but more a matter of not driving in the same manner as a particular close relative with whom I rode frequently . While my cautious (if not sometimes misguided) manner has, at times, served me well (like the time in high school I passed up a hit of acid because it was not hermetically sealed – had been passed from one germy, sweaty hand to another, linty pocket, after linty pocket – if not worse), it has also kept me limited and immobilized in certain areas, and though I began “getting over it” prior, hearing it repeated over and over in different variations this year, I AM over it now.

I began to see a glimmer of hope of being set free when I finally decided that “I AM a flyer”. I was nearly 40 years old and had passed up several opportunities to travel with David to some neat places simply because I could not bring myself to get on an airplane. Physics aside, something THAT heavy could not safely be up in the air…especially if it was carrying MY valuable body. An airplane breaking down carried much steeper consequences than a malfunction of a car engine. It wasn’t until I’d suffered through two excruciating solo 600 mile trips to Nashville and back to visit family that I started to fear breaking down/falling asleep at the wheel/getting attacked at a rest area more than being on an airplane, and I realized that my fear of flying was keeping me locked in a very small, paranoid world. With sweaty hands, I booked a flight and went on a trip. “I AM a flier…I AM a flier…I AM a flier…” I kept telling myself as I went alone to the ticket counter to check in for my flight, snaked my way through a busy security line, and onto the tram headed for my gate. Nervously, I kept tabs on the closest way out, until I became aware of the fact that airports look for nervous-looking travelers because they might be planning on doing something “bad”, so I tried to stay calm and play the part of a bored, seasoned flyer.

I succeeded in getting to my destination and back home, and realized that by confronting this fear of mine, a whole world had opened up to me. Had it not been for that confrontation, I would never have been able to complete my schooling (requiring 10 trips to New York over a six month period) or enjoy countless trips to spend time with those I love. My fear was containing me. Facing my fear made me freer, fuller.

In high school, I never did like going into the cafeteria or bathroom or even down the hall alone (I think some of this is a “girl thing”). This discomfort carried over into adulthood, manifested itself by keeping me from enjoying classes or other new experiences if it meant going alone. What I was actually afraid of happening is unclear, it just felt scary to be in situations alone, therefore, I avoided them. I’ve come to realize that I am over that. I’ve gone to several new classes at my gym all alone, and I actually survived (was I graceful in that cardio-kickboxing class? That’s another story…). I am finding I actually LOVE getting myself into these new situations, because each time I “feel the fear and do it anyway”, a part of me grows freer and fuller than I’d been if I was still content to let my fears control me.

I think it is human nature for us to be cautious and avoid those things that make us least comfortable. There are a select few who actually thrive on the adrenalin-rush of facing fears and surviving them, but for most of us, those things we fear, we avoid. Often, we have no idea what we’re actually passing up. Public speaking? What if we stammer or tremble or mispronounce something? Would it be surprising to know that nearly every public speaker has done just that? Most audiences are forgiving of those things, and I think it’s been a while since anyone’s suffered bodily harm for screwing something like that up. Teaching a class? What if we don’t know every single thing in the world on the subject? The questions that have stumped me during a class or speaking to a group are the things I have later researched and have gotten a pretty firm handle on and I now greatly value – without those experiences, my depth of knowledge in those areas would be much shallower. What about eating a meal at a restaurant alone? That used to be a huge fear for me. I highly recommend giving this a shot as a great “baby step” for getting out of your safety net. What’s the worst thing that can happen? One of my most therapeutic exercises occurred when I was able to travel alone to NYC, stay alone in a hotel, and navigate the city by myself.

It’s interesting to observe younger women, still in that fear mode, and sad to see older ones that are. What are you gaining through being restrained by your fears?Feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t pass up an opportunity simply because you are afraid that the outcome may not be easy to predict, or you’re afraid you might look less than graceful (now, I am not talking about the instinctual, intuitive fear that tells you not to go into the darkened parking garage alone, at 2 AM, LISTEN TO THAT ONE!… ).

Some people think David and I are daring and crazy (?) to move to a new city amidst all of the other changes going on in our lives. Is it scary? Of course there is some fear when contemplating diving into the unknown. Among many things, 2009 has been a year of unknowns. If, on last New Year’s Eve, I’d been given a list of all the things that I’d be going through this year, I would most likely have said “no thank you” to many of them: “No thank you” to the prospect of a strenuous tax on my marriage that seemed to be without resolution. “No thank you” to quitting my reliable and socially gratifying job at a time when it did not make much financial sense to me. “No thank you” to helping my daughter plan a wedding in just eight short weeks on a shoe-string budget while still in school with the financial and time constraints that it carried. “No thank you” to having to take my youngest kid to college 600 miles away from home just one week after our oldest got married (isn’t that too much “letting go” for one 7 day period?). “No thank you” to the stresses and strains of interacting with a kid who seemed to be their own worst enemy during a critical time in their life. “No thank you” to my husband being less than 20 feet away from a crazed shooter at our fitness club while he played racquetball one evening – and the subsequent stress that confrontation with mortality this encounter carried. “No thank you” to the task of launching our kids confidently into the next phases of their lives during one of such uncertainty concerning our own. BUT, each of these things (and more) have added a richness and depth to me that I could never have gained had I played it safe and rested in the blissful state of unyielding predictability. Change is the most reliable thing that I can count on. Facing fear is what keeps me from getting stiff and ridged. It keeps me flexible.

So, as we prepare for this move to another city, I really am realizing that I am not “brave” or “crazy”, as some have said. I have no idea what to expect from this move: it’s the first time we will have moved based on “us” (and we have moved a lot), and not the kids: schools and fenced yards and game rooms and proximity to potential playmates are not on our radar. Will this be “better” or “worse” than where we are currently? It will be “different”. I don’t know what this move will look like until it’s done. I have no idea what to expect. It’s kind of like jumping off of a high-dive. I am not “brave” or “crazy”: I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. This is my new “safe”. I am playing it safe – as safe as I can. I am embracing this change – this new chapter – and hanging on for dear life.

Thirteen tips for stress free living

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This is not my usual type of post. I wrote this for one of my kids who was having a particularly stressful time earlier this year. If you enjoy it, feel free to share it with others. Just leave it intact.

-Dave

————

Thirteen tips for stress free living.

by Dave Harkins

1. When you get up each morning, take a deep breath, hold it, count to 10 slowly, but remember to exhale. Pray for guidance for the day.

2. Don’t obsess over all the little details of daily living. As long as you wake up each morning, you’re good.

3. You’re going to forget something, miss something or make a mistake. It happens. Apologize and move on. Again, don’t obsess.

4. You can’t do everything you think you can do. Try anyway, but don’t kill yourself if you can’t get it all done.

5. Learn to say “No”. Practice now. You’ll need to learn the nuances. It’ll come in handy when you’re a parent.

6. Laugh. Even at stupid stuff. Find humor in everyday living. When you master this, I’ll get you a “”I laugh at my own jokes” wrist band like mine. Remember, life’s easier when you laugh.

7. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Even God laughs at himself and life. Consider the duckbill platypus. I think that animal is God not taking himself too seriously.

8. Only take on ONE “extra-curricular” activity at a time. More than one drains you and takes away focus from the things you find most important in life. The sad thing is, you won’t even realize you’ve lost focus until you’re drained and you’re asking yourself, “Why did I say I’d do that?” Not everything in life has equal importance.

9. Make time for yourself (and to be at peace with God). Find some personal time so you can commune with your thoughts. Everyone needs time for themselves. Especially harried college students and dads with five kids.

10. Remember, no matter how tough you think you have it, and how much stress you think you’re under, there are people in the world right now that would kill to be in your shoes.

11. Life is a series of transitions…you are moving from one life-stage to another. Shakespeare, in the play As You Like it, says it this way, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts…” Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season…” Some adults (and college students) try to play too many parts or have too many seasons all at the same time. Take one part or season at a time. You’ll sleep better. Trust me on this one.

12. Remember you’re loved. By your family (natural and adopted). By your friends, and by God. You’re where you are because of what you will become. I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I do believe this, but I think He just wishes you would learn when to say “no”…otherwise He’s really not sure how much you can handle.

13. When it gets to be too much, just pick your nose and fling the contents at someone. No. Don’t do that…it’s gross. But, I’ll bet I made you laugh. If so, refer to #6. See…it works.

The rise of a new “Hero”

Posted in Cultural Change, Demographics | 1 comment

I just finished reading, The Fourth Turning, by William Strauss and Neil Howe. In the book, they apply their generational theories to the cycles of history and predict that we are now in the “Fourth Turning.”  They describe it like this:

The Fourth Turning is a Crisis, a decisive era of secular upheaval, when the values of regime propel the replacement of the old civic order with a new one.

Strauss and Howe go on to say that each Turning has its own mood. During the Fourth Turning, they suggest that we will see families being strengthened, gender roles widening, ideals championed, and new institutions founded. We will become practical as a culture, our social priority will be building our community, and our greatest sense of need will be to fix the world beyond ourselves.

It sounds like the world we are living in now, doesn’t it?

If you are familiar with Strauss and Howe’s previous book, Generations: The History of America’s Future, 1584 to 2069, you know that the last Hero (or civic-focused) generation is known to most as the Greatest Generation, while the current Hero generation are the Millennial’s. The current Hero Generation has brought us Facebook, Twitter, and other online social networks. This generation is pushing to fix the problems of America and regularly puts their words into action at the voting booth. This generation strives to make a difference in the world and consistently delivers on their promises.

As the Millennials move into adulthood, they are merging their needs, values, and expectations into every detail of their lives. They need to feel that they are making a difference. They value consensus, relationships, and family. They hold the government, institutions, corporations, their peers, society, and themselves to higher standards than any other generation. Along the way, their idealism is resetting the expectations not just for their own generation, but also for all.

Organizations and corporations must take note of these changes because it is redefining the way success will be measured as it relates to the customer, member, or donor. Consider these points critical for the future survival of nearly every business and organization:

1.  Be trustworthy in all your encounters. You have to earn the business.
2.  Be transparent in all your actions. You must walk the talk.
3.  Stand for something bigger than profits. Greed is no longer acceptable.
4.  Make a difference in the world around you. You must care and show it.
5.  Build meaningful relationships with your customers. People like to do business with those they like.
6.  Ask for input from constituents and use what you are given. Collaboration and consensus means everything.

While these points could essentially be summed up into the Golden Rule, they are often lost in the business world. The Millennials are reminding us all that there is something larger than ourselves that needs tending. This is the attitude that must prevail in our businesses, our colleges, our communities, and our government.

If Millenials are successful in driving change in this Fourth Turning, our world will undoubtedly change for the better. And, they will have earned the label of Hero.

The non-interested followers

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Using just 140 characters, folks are striking up conversations around world on a variety of topics and in “real time” with Twitter.  If you are not already familiar with the tool, essentially users get a “platform” from which to speak about their passion (similar to a blog) that occurs at the speed of instant messaging.  Like blogs, it creates a medium where everyone has a voice; like instant messaging, it is sometimes irreverent. (If you’re not familiar with Twitter, Fortune Magazine published an informative article in August 2008, The true meaning of Twitter.)

Once you have a Twitter account you’ll need to “follow” someone to get the most out of the tool.  This means you’ll be listening (or reading) to what that person has to say.  As an information junkie, I follow those who talk about things that interest me.  Although, I have to admit following a hundred or so simultaneous conversations can sometimes be daunting.  Nonetheless I learn new things daily, I’ve found a great breeding ground for new things to think about, and I find new sources of information relevant to my interests.  Because these topics interest me, I can also contribute something to these conversations.

On the flip side, some may desire to follow you and here’s where it gets a little sticky.  Not everyone thinks the way I do and follow people who engage in topics of interest.  Some believe that it is the size of the network that’s important.  I would like to think the general idea behind Twitter was “relevant conversations” with others; therefore the size of your network would be somewhat limited by those with similar interests.  Unfortunately, like rabid “network marketers” some desire to follow solely so someone in your network may see them and investigate the latest “business opportunity” being pitched or product sold.  Those people are simply trying to increase the size of their network.  I dislike this approach, as it seems to me that the “follow” is somehow disingenuous.

Consider this: When you met your neighbor the first time, did you work to find common interests, or were you pitched all-purpose, non-toxic cleaning solutions that he or she happened to be selling?  I dislike the latter and will avoid that neighbor for a while.

The same is true online, and especially with Twitter.  It’s very easy to “unfollow” someone.  You can also block your updates, as I do, so that you must approve everyone who follows you.  I like this because it gives me the opportunity to manage my “implied endorsement” of those who follow me.  I review every website and Twitter stream of every follow request, and make a conscious decision as to the “fit.”  If there is not a fit, I decline.

Social media tools are specifically designed to build conversations.  Think about it like talking with your neighbor across the back fence, only you’re talking across Internet.  Shared ideas and interests are paramount to building personal credibility and friendships.  Twitter and other online tools can accelerate credibility building, but they can destroy it just as quickly.

For me Twitter is not about building a large, non-interested following.  It’s a waste of everyone’s time and erodes credibility of the followers. I hope those I follow feel the same way.

A radical’s approach to change and innovation

Posted in Cultural Change, Innovation | Comments Off

Most people think change in an organization means doing something different just for the sake of doing something different. They are wrong, of course, but their thinking is not unfounded. They’re just victims of “bad change initiatives.” Too many organizations try to drive change through elaborate processes and procedures, often structured by large consulting firms that never have to implement their own plans. Consequently, these firms rarely take the time to understand what is being done, let alone why it is being done. Their view is strategic, and often take the built on the goal to align the organization with a “best practice.” However, best practices need to be adapted for every organizational culture and this is almost never done. It’s no wonder, “The more things change, the more things stay the same,” becomes a popular mantra.

I could tell you everything in this post that a top tier consulting firm would tell you to do, including, “get top management support,” if you want to create a change initiative. I’m not going to do this not because it doesn’t work—sometimes it does. My experience is real change and innovation within an organization doesn’t begin at the top because those at this level only see the symptoms, not the cause. Change and innovation is tactical, not strategic. Those closest to the cause are the ones who can best overcome the challenges and begin the change necessary for innovation. Unfortunately, these folks often don’t feel empowered to do so.

So, let this serve as empowerment to the individual: Be radical. Change and innovation in the organization begins with you, the individual, right now. Today. Here’s how to get the ball rolling:

> Start with things you can control. It’s easier to start small and change the things that are within your control. Look around. There are many, many things that are in you do every day that could benefit from improvements. Make those improvements. This kind of change and innovation is infectious and will flow throughout your organization faster than you might imagine.

> Look for things to “blow up“. Approach everything with the mindset that it needs to fixed. This doesn’t mean it really needs fixing, or that you need to be the one to fix it, but it forces you to look for the flaws. When the flaws outnumber the benefits, destroy it. The hard reality is that sometimes the only way make change is to blow it up and start over from scratch. Don’t be afraid to push the red button when you need to do so. This is often the origin of true innovation.

> Stretch the chain. Every day you should stretch “the chain” (people, processes, technology, etc.) until you find the weak links. Break them, put the chain back together, and stretch again tomorrow. When you find you are unable to break a link, take a break and look back on your accomplishment. These successes will help you build your credibility as change agent. However, don’t forget to come back and stretch the chain again later. No link is failsafe for very long.

> Cross the cultural minefield. Every organization has some approaches or things that are sacred. Before you start, know if the change you are attempting is going to put you at odds with the culture. You should know the dangers going in, but it’s likely you will still need to trip a few mines, purposefully. Trip the mines when it is the right thing to do without regard to fallout, but know that you may sustain injuries. Tripping the mines and slaughtering sacred cows is a messy job.

> Grow a thick skin. If you really want to be a successful change agent, you cannot worry about making friends while driving change and innovation. This is not to say you have to be mean or insensitive. Most people just hate change, not you, and will not hesitate to share their feelings. Some may even try to retaliate with a little political sabotage. Don’t take it personally. You’ll know you’re on the right track when people begin to complain about what you’re doing. Be prepared for the fall-out.

Please know that this is an individual approach and not a “team approach” to driving innovation. I have never believed that teams are successful leading change or innovation. “Innovation team” seems like an oxymoron to me. Even team of radicals will fail if they are forced to work too closely together. In my experience, the most successful innovation happens when individuals are motivated to make things better. An organization’s success with change and innovation is rooted in the personal initiatives of individual radicals who desire to make a difference.

To innovate and change an organization, find the radicals who strive to make a difference. Then turn them loose to do what they do best—stir things up.

Finding the edges

Posted in Cultural Change, Innovation, Strategy, Technology | Comments Off

There’s a lot of disruption in the world.

I read today that more than 200,000 job cuts have been announced this month. Most announcements have been by big companies; we never hear about the smaller firms. In fact, many businesses have likely closed all together. We will not hear about those for a while.

These stories remind me of economic climate around the time of the dot-com bust. There was a lot of disruption then, too, but it led to great thinking and innovation in technology and in other sectors.

For those of us in the technology sector then, it was difficult time. Yet, those experiences changed technology. That disruption forced us out of our comfort zone and to the edges of our businesses where we discovered new opportunities to serve untapped markets. In some cases, we created markets where none had previously existed. We found things we never dreamt about or thought possible before someone “dropped the bomb,” forced us out, and made us look back on what had happened.

Without the dot-com disruption, we likely would not know about MP3 players, iPhones, social networks, blogs, or Twitter. Thanks to that disruption, technology makes it easier for us to keep in-touch, check our bank accounts from our mobile phones, and carry thousands of songs in our pocket.

I believe we need disruption in our lives, our businesses, and our worlds. We need to be forced outside of our comfort zone. We need to get to the edges, pull out the binoculars, and look at things a little differently. Like it or not, we need disruption to facilitate change and force us to the next level–whatever that may hold for us.

The good news is, we don’t have to wait for disruption from an external source.  Scary as it may be we can create it ourselves; and, we probably should in this economy. Finding and getting to the edges may well be the only way our businesses will survive.

Change begins with you

Posted in Change Management, Cultural Change, Strategy | Comments Off

“Be the change
you wish to see in the world.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

America didn’t change today.

There is a new person in The White House, but most everything else is the same. The economy still struggles. The stock market continues to decline. Most people out of work today will still be out of work tomorrow. Some people lost their homes today while others struggled to put food on their tables.

Today’s problems will still be here tomorrow. The hard reality for each of us is that change doesn’t begin in Washington. Change begins with us.

Sometimes in our businesses and our lives we’re afraid to make important decisions that are necessary to take us to the next level of success. We say we’re “risk adverse,” when in reality we’re probably just afraid we’ll make the wrong decision and fail.

So what. Failure is nothing more than change–not good or bad in most cases, just a different outcome than we might have wanted.

It is our fear of change, not failure, which stands in the way of our successes.

Accept change. Gather your courage and embrace it in your life and in your business. Because when you are ready to embrace change, you will be ready to make change. And that will make all the difference in your business and your life.

No, America didn’t change today. The expectations of many Americans changed.

Did yours?